Why can't you change?

I'm writing this post from two different perspectives-- I'm writing this as a mom 

and I'm writing this as a daughter. 

As a mom, I look at my children and am in awe of my love for them. I live for my children. Day in, day out, I am mommy. I feed, I clean, I diaper, I play. J runs to me for her every need, the twins cry and know I will answer. I am depended on. I am needed. I am tired and I would not change a thing. I could never be separated from my children. Let something be understood, I am completely for mom time. I need and want alone time. By myself and with my husband. But, I'm talking about that mother. The one we all know, the one who cares more about going out and living for the moment than she does about spending time with her children. The one who is missing the beauty in the daily life with her children. The one who's children are wondering "Why can't you change?"

As a daughter, I never understood why my mom was away. I never understood why I only got the occasional phone call. I never understood why her life was more important than my life. Why didn't I get to go to "mother/daughter" events with my mother? Why didn't my mom come to school parties? Why didn't my mom help me get ready for my first date? Where were you? You most certainly were not there with me. & I wondered, for the majority of my life, "Why can't you change?"

As a mom, I've made a conscious decision to never choose anything over my children. I had just been accepted for a teaching internship overseas the week before I found out I was expecting my oldest daughter. I wanted that internship. I wanted that experience so very badly. But, I wanted that child more. A child that I did not plan for, a child that God himself chose for me. Four months into marriage and we were pregnant. Of course, I might have been able to still go overseas to teach. But the $4000 dollars that the program cost, we could not pay. I also had no clue how my health would be, if I would miss doctors appointments, if something, anything, were to happen during the internship- I knew I would never forgive myself. That was the first choice I made for someone else. & now every day of my life I make choices for these perfect, amazing, & beautiful little humans I created. They count on me to make the right decision for them. 

 

As a daughter, I'd like to tell you about everything you missed. I'd like to tell you about how beautiful my children are, I'd like to tell you how amazing my husband is, I'd like to tell you all of the accomplishments that you should have been there for. But you, you have lost that right. You do not get to hear about my life because you chose not to be apart of it. 

As a mom, it breaks my heart to type that. The pain I would feel if my children ever said those words to me or about me, I would be shattered. As a mom, I've realized that you make choices to forgive so that your children see the light through you. So as a mom, I forgive you. I truly do. 

But as a daughter, you've lost me. 

So I'm writing to you, that mother, I'm telling you this as a mom and as a daughter, wake up. Wake up now & change your ways. Wake up before your children realize they don't need you. Wake up before it's too late. Change. Tell your children you love them, tell your children you're sorry, tell them you were wrong. You still have time to change how they see you. Do not choose your life over your children, do not choose nights with friends out partying, do not choose to allow your children to wonder, "Why can't you change?" 

Be the change. Be a mother. Be a father. Be there. Be what God intended you to be. 

XOXOX, 

Harmon Housewife